Missing my kids

Over the weekend Gin and I went to several events.... we went to Oktoberfest in Tempe, the Pumpkin Festival in Queen Creek and then ran errands. Every where we went we saw baby girls...pregnant women.... and honestly - it was torturous. The pain doesn't stop. The thought that I should still be pregnant - or that we should have a baby girl comes to my mind all the time! I wish this wasn't the case, but it is. I remember when Ben first died, and for the first couple of years after, I was drawn to young men that were about his age.... I expect this will now happen for both Benjamin and Jade.... seeing kids their age and missing them.

I had lunch with a dear, sweet lady (LaRee) who lost a baby at two weeks of age. It has been several years now since that happened in her life. She still got tears in her eyes when she shared some of the thoughts she had. It was nice talking to someone who understands..... I have to admit I don't know why I expect to get over this sooner than I obviously am. I struggle.... But, this has been the case with all the moms or dads I have met that have buried babies...or children for that matter. It's just not easy. There is no other way to put it.

I had a sweet experience with Samuel on Sunday night. I was missing Benjamin and Jade something fierce. I was so sad about Jade's death. I had cried many times over the course of the weekend. Anyway, it was time to put Samuel to bed. I took him in his room, sat on the rocker and told him that I was feeling sad. I said that I was missing Benjamin and Jade. At that point he said Jade. I asked him if he remembers her... and Ben... but of course he can't talk. Then I told him that I love him so very much.... and that I need to cuddle him if that was okay. Usually he resists being rocked because he knows it means bed time (and he doesn't want to go to bed). This time however, he kissed me all over my face several times, and then put his head on my chest and let me rock him to sleep. I kept telling him how much I love him, and how grateful I am to have him. He seemed to know of my pain, and that I needed to be able to hold him and feel of his love.

Samuel is more attached to me than ever...but still not as cuddly as he was at that moment. Usually he is on the move! I was grateful for that time. I tell him frequently that he is so important to me... and that I love him so very, very much. I believe he knows this. He is a gift from God - even more so at this time. It's like he is trying to comfort me in his own way. Then another blessing occurred. Amber and Trey showed up to visit. They came at 7:00 and stayed for 3 1/2 hours. This was an amazing gift. We talked, we reminisced, we laughed, I cried. They were such a blessed gift - more than they realize. Joseph joined us - and honestly, I felt such joy for the first time in quite a while. It was not brought about by anything you can buy -- but by truly savoring the time spent with family, and the love shared amongst us. I am grateful to have my children and husband who are here for me always.... during the good times, and the hard times.