Forgiveness - not always so easy to do.

Forgiveness should be an easy thing to do at any time.... but you know - it's not always as easy as you want it to be. At least for me this has been the case. I have had several events that have brought me to a place that I knew I couldn't stay in. I was bitter, angry and resentful. The first major traumatic event like that happened while I lived in Australia. A certain woman basically threatened the life of my baby (a long story that doesn't need to be shared).... but the crux of it was that I held on to the resentment and animosity for years. She was, after all, a fellow Christian... a fellow church member. What I learned from it was that the only person it really hurt was me. She went on with her life.... I was the one being thwarted from really progressing. I was the one holding the grudge. I thought that through this time of awakening (to this life concept) that I had learned my lesson. I tried to pretty much live and let live. I learned however that I really hadn't mastered the art of forgiving.

You see.... my son, Benjamin was seriously molested by a babysitter when he was 7 years old (by a 15 year old girl) - and it changed the dynamics and outcome of our family's life experience in a catastrophic way. I didn't know what had happened to him - I only knew that his behavior changed drastically.... and I couldn't figure out why. I didn'tfind out what happened until he was 17 1/2 years old. There is much more to this story but it doesn't need to be shared at this time. Suffice it to say that I honestly hated this girl.... for all she did to my family -- for all she stole from us. Benjamin never liked himself from that point on. All of his self defeating behavior stemmed from this one event.... all the things he did to sabotage himself afterwards convinced him that his opinion of himself was accurate. This time though I had some experience to draw from... I knew that if I held these awful feelings inside of my soul it would only hurt me. I could not progress nor could I be of use to my family if I let this defeat me....Anger and hate are crippling things to harbor within your soul. This predicament took time to digest. I had to figure out how to forgive her. She not only hurt me, she hurt my children. This made it even harder. The only thing I could do was start to pray about it - to pray for her. After several months I was able to feel sorry for her. I wondered what had happened to her that would bring her to a place that she would even do this. It took longer for me to let it go. Now I fear only for her spiritual progress.... she has made no steps to apologize (make restitution)to my children for what she did - she has not made steps to truly repent. Ben is now gone - but she doesn't know that. But, I rarely think about her.... I honestly feel she changed the course of our family's lives - but there is nothing we can do about it. I feel sorry for her. I hold no hate in my heart for her. I know that the Savior loves her too - and will forgive her if she repents. The thing is -- this whole process took less time than the first -- but still took too long. Amazing since I am in need of the Saviors atonement -- and I know it.... and yet I still have a hard time forgiving when the offense is so huge!

This time around (Jades' death) it has been difficult too. You would think that I had learned that the big things just need to be put into God's hands. I am afraid that the natural man is truly a formidable opponent. My spiritual self is trying so hard to keep an eternal perspective.... the natural man still feels anger and resentment, confusion and at times despair. It's not a fun place to be. I have, however, gotten to a place where I feel I am able to forgive the doctors who took part in Jade's care. When talking to Amber and Trey last night we found out that there were two other doctors who came in and they were talking about whether or not to turn up the ventilator. One said, no - don't do it -- she is doing okay. The other insisted, and turned it up. Of course we know what the outcome was. This was the first time her lung developed a leak. Of course, after that they stabilized her, she was doing great - and they still kept turning it up -- too fast -- and it ended up killing her. This I have to say is so hard to deal with.... I keep thinking I am doing okay -- but then I struggle. I don't hate them...(I did for a few days that first week after the funeral). Unlike the girl who molested my son, I don't feel sorry for them. I don't think they are victims like the girl who molested my son probably was (by whom I don't know - but usually those who molest have been molested themselves). I do feel this was careless treatment (of Jade) - but not necessarily intentional. So, I feel that I am not festering ill will or anything like that. I don't know how to explain it. It's just that I know I need to forgive them for their carelessness. I think I have... and then I get more information -- or think about it some more - and I have anger again. Thus - the natural man and spiritual man battle it out again. That is the frustrating part of this whole journey.

I am trying to let this go.... put it in God's hands. For I know that I need all the forgiveness I can get - for I am so imperfect myself. Sin is sin in God's eyes.... I keep thinking, "But I have tried so hard to do the right thing all my life, and I haven't done the kinds of things that we have had done to us." However, it matters not. I still need God's love, help and forgiveness. I am imperfect. I can not put sin or the need for the atonement on a scale: this is more grievous, this is not so bad etc. My cleansing process is only going to occur as I forgive those who trespass against me and my family.... whether it was intentional or not. I must let the Lord be the one to make it all right in the long run. I am frustrated by my inability to keep with my once simple faith. Too many things have hurt on such a scale that to try and verbalize it would be impossible. The pain has been intense. It is those feelings and the pain felt that make it harder to forgive.

So, I am looking at myself. For I need the atonement. I need forgiveness. I know the Lord expects this from me (to forgive others).... I can't help but wonder how many people I have hurt unintentionally. Sometimes I have done things I wished I hadn't. Sometimes I may not even be aware that I have said something that hurt another. I would want their forgiveness too. So, with all this being said, I am working on my relationship with the Savior. I am trying to be more submissive. I am hopeful that I can overcome my inability to instantly forgive. I heard a talk on the weekend about a woman whose husband was killed in a head on collision by a young man who was late for work and made a fatal error in trying to speed up the journey by passing cars. At any rate, this wife recieved a request to meet with the mother of the young man. She had forgotten that a mother was also grieving.... They became friends and shared in the sorrow of the situation. I have not had any of the parties involved ever even talk to me since the events occured.... so my situation is not the same. However, I can forgive and replace anger with sorrow, love and compassion. I can look at these people as fellow children of God.... learning, making mistakes and they are all just as important in God's eyes as I am. If I choose to hold anger, animosity or any other negative feeling - it ultimately only hurts me.