Gateway We Call Death

I have been reading a book called "The Gateway we call Death" by Russell M Nelson. It is an excellent book - with so many things that I needed to be reminded of. Why is it that we can know something - and forget it, or lose site of it amidst our pain? I don't have a clue.... but it sure seems to happen sometimes. It's like relearning all over again. In school some kids are one time learners, others take three or more times going over something to really grasp it. I wonder how many times I have to go over things to really understand or embrace it fully? The thing is, when I am not in pain I think rationally (most of the time) and logically. When pain distorts your ability to reason properly it means you have to keep going back to books, scripture or visits with friends and 'relearn' whatever it is all over again! At least that is my experience.

I have had several good things happen. I had two visits this week from friends. One lovely lady from church, and the other a long time friend who now lives in Idaho. My friend from church gave me an amazing foot rub, and talked to me about grieving. She reminded me how important it is to grieve... and that it's a healthy thing to do. You can't progress without doing it. Our friend from Idaho listened to us talk, and even that was good for us....Just being able to share our thoughts, feelings and tears was ...well.... healing in a way. Bit by bit, as we review the spiritual reassurances we have had we are able to heal a little bit more.

Some of the things that really helped me from this book are:

* He said that it is difficult for those who mourn to express all they feel. This is so very true. Words seem incapable of truly painting the full picture of the feelings felt, and the pain experienced.

* It is important to keep boundaries to our mourning. Most of the books I have read have stated that the process often includes cursing God. I didn't ever do that with Benjamin, and I don't think I have with Jade. I have really just questioned why I felt the way I did, and whether or not I am really spiritually in tune. I have questioned my importance to Him.... and have felt pretty insignificant. However, I have never yelled at Him, cursed Him or wavered from my testimony. I can see, though, how many would feel like doing this. Just like I can see how really hard times can bring a couple down... make them fall apart. Gin and I chose not to drift. We chose to cling to each other, and reaffirm our commitment to each other and our family. We also chose to cling to God. He is in fact our father. He loves our children more than we do...He is the giver and taker of all.

* Neither does the faithful person contend with "an appointed time to man on earth" (Job 7:1). The loss of a child or loves one is part of the divine process of chastening, refining, and sanctification. As Job stated : "When he hath tried me, I shall come forth as gold." (Job 23:10)

* Our children are all gifts from God anyway. They are on loan to us. They are His children first. It is a partnership we have with our Father in Heaven that we are able to provide physical bodies for His children. We have the responsibility to raise them in righteousness, and do all we can to help them in this mortal existence. But they are still ultimately His. He will continue to be the provider of all blessings throughout the eternities.

* Gratitude is so very important. I have been pretty good at counting my blessing throughout this journey... but I have had my moments when I was just plain grumpy - and felt sorry for myself. I am committed to focus on my blessings each and every day.

I am grateful for all those who care. I am thankful for visits, for phone calls, for the cards and gifts received. You have no idea how much it helps. It helps to talk. It helps to feel love from others. It helps to know I have blessed friends whose strength can lift me when mine seems to wain.