Over the last few weeks we have had much turmoil and heartache as we have faced the closing of our dance studio. Things transpired that made it evidently clear that we needed to be finished. The thing is there are so many times in my life when I was absolutely certain that I was doing what the Lord wanted me to do... and yet the outcome seemed disasterous for us.... for me.I have come to the conclusion that His will and mine are not always the same.... and that when I am doing all that He asks me to do, I shouldn't expect that things will go the way I imagine they should. His purpose may be something else than what I think it is. For example:
* I knew that Benjamin had promised blessings that were not fulfilled here on the earth. I thought that because I had recieved these promises, Ben would be okay (here on earth). Well, he is okay -- but not here. For God to achieve all that He needed to with Benjamin, and for Benjamin to have those promised blessings, it was necessary for him to die.
* I knew that we were supposed to have the dance studio. I can not tell you how many times in the past I prayed to see if I could be finished. The answer was always no. Why now is it okay? Why did we have to go through the trauma of it all? what was the purpose if it wasn't to bless us as well as the kids? I have some ideas, but konw that ulitmately, Heavenly Father doesn't judge our success on how much money we made. Perhaps that was never His part of the plan in this endeavor. Perhaps Gin and I had to learn lessons. Perhaps there were kids we had to work with and that has been accomplished. Perhaps it was to bless Amber and Joseph.... and now it's time to move on. I have other ideas too... but won't share those.
*I knew we were supposed to have Jade, and yet she died. She will be part of our family forever. Just not now. I have this little glimpse of this precious girl, and have to be patient. She is a promised blessing later. We will see her later.
*I knew that it was okay to buy the land, build the cabin, and now we will likely lose it. What was the purpose in that?
All in all, I feel that ultimately I must be submissive to God regarding all things. I know not the purpose that is to come from the things we do - I mean I know we gain knowledge, but there is more than that. I know that we have tried to live our lives in accordance with His will, but that does not mean we will have the consequences we think we should have because we have done it. Sometimes, the blessings are different than what we think they should be.
Ultimately, it really is the best to surrender to God's will, and let Him mold us to whatever He sees fit. I know it will be better than anything we could do ourselves.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Friday, November 14, 2008
Enabling
I have had much thought about enabling..... it's so easy to do as a parent or a boss... or as a service provider. You love your children and want to help them.... yet when you try to- you are so often perceived as being a nuisance - interfering, and in the way. Ultimately, you rescue for the moment, but bring contempt to you from the one you enable in the long run. If you allow the employee to go unchecked,they often do things without considering the big picture.... how it will affect the business - usually because they aren't the ones paying the bills. Is there a common denominator here? Is there a way to really live with people and not make them mad at you when you hold them accountable, or expect something from them? I have it all figured out with my marriage and kids living at home, but the rest is a mystery to me.... I have to think about this more.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Gateway We Call Death
I have been reading a book called "The Gateway we call Death" by Russell M Nelson. It is an excellent book - with so many things that I needed to be reminded of. Why is it that we can know something - and forget it, or lose site of it amidst our pain? I don't have a clue.... but it sure seems to happen sometimes. It's like relearning all over again. In school some kids are one time learners, others take three or more times going over something to really grasp it. I wonder how many times I have to go over things to really understand or embrace it fully? The thing is, when I am not in pain I think rationally (most of the time) and logically. When pain distorts your ability to reason properly it means you have to keep going back to books, scripture or visits with friends and 'relearn' whatever it is all over again! At least that is my experience.
I have had several good things happen. I had two visits this week from friends. One lovely lady from church, and the other a long time friend who now lives in Idaho. My friend from church gave me an amazing foot rub, and talked to me about grieving. She reminded me how important it is to grieve... and that it's a healthy thing to do. You can't progress without doing it. Our friend from Idaho listened to us talk, and even that was good for us....Just being able to share our thoughts, feelings and tears was ...well.... healing in a way. Bit by bit, as we review the spiritual reassurances we have had we are able to heal a little bit more.
Some of the things that really helped me from this book are:
* He said that it is difficult for those who mourn to express all they feel. This is so very true. Words seem incapable of truly painting the full picture of the feelings felt, and the pain experienced.
* It is important to keep boundaries to our mourning. Most of the books I have read have stated that the process often includes cursing God. I didn't ever do that with Benjamin, and I don't think I have with Jade. I have really just questioned why I felt the way I did, and whether or not I am really spiritually in tune. I have questioned my importance to Him.... and have felt pretty insignificant. However, I have never yelled at Him, cursed Him or wavered from my testimony. I can see, though, how many would feel like doing this. Just like I can see how really hard times can bring a couple down... make them fall apart. Gin and I chose not to drift. We chose to cling to each other, and reaffirm our commitment to each other and our family. We also chose to cling to God. He is in fact our father. He loves our children more than we do...He is the giver and taker of all.
* Neither does the faithful person contend with "an appointed time to man on earth" (Job 7:1). The loss of a child or loves one is part of the divine process of chastening, refining, and sanctification. As Job stated : "When he hath tried me, I shall come forth as gold." (Job 23:10)
* Our children are all gifts from God anyway. They are on loan to us. They are His children first. It is a partnership we have with our Father in Heaven that we are able to provide physical bodies for His children. We have the responsibility to raise them in righteousness, and do all we can to help them in this mortal existence. But they are still ultimately His. He will continue to be the provider of all blessings throughout the eternities.
* Gratitude is so very important. I have been pretty good at counting my blessing throughout this journey... but I have had my moments when I was just plain grumpy - and felt sorry for myself. I am committed to focus on my blessings each and every day.
I am grateful for all those who care. I am thankful for visits, for phone calls, for the cards and gifts received. You have no idea how much it helps. It helps to talk. It helps to feel love from others. It helps to know I have blessed friends whose strength can lift me when mine seems to wain.
I have had several good things happen. I had two visits this week from friends. One lovely lady from church, and the other a long time friend who now lives in Idaho. My friend from church gave me an amazing foot rub, and talked to me about grieving. She reminded me how important it is to grieve... and that it's a healthy thing to do. You can't progress without doing it. Our friend from Idaho listened to us talk, and even that was good for us....Just being able to share our thoughts, feelings and tears was ...well.... healing in a way. Bit by bit, as we review the spiritual reassurances we have had we are able to heal a little bit more.
Some of the things that really helped me from this book are:
* He said that it is difficult for those who mourn to express all they feel. This is so very true. Words seem incapable of truly painting the full picture of the feelings felt, and the pain experienced.
* It is important to keep boundaries to our mourning. Most of the books I have read have stated that the process often includes cursing God. I didn't ever do that with Benjamin, and I don't think I have with Jade. I have really just questioned why I felt the way I did, and whether or not I am really spiritually in tune. I have questioned my importance to Him.... and have felt pretty insignificant. However, I have never yelled at Him, cursed Him or wavered from my testimony. I can see, though, how many would feel like doing this. Just like I can see how really hard times can bring a couple down... make them fall apart. Gin and I chose not to drift. We chose to cling to each other, and reaffirm our commitment to each other and our family. We also chose to cling to God. He is in fact our father. He loves our children more than we do...He is the giver and taker of all.
* Neither does the faithful person contend with "an appointed time to man on earth" (Job 7:1). The loss of a child or loves one is part of the divine process of chastening, refining, and sanctification. As Job stated : "When he hath tried me, I shall come forth as gold." (Job 23:10)
* Our children are all gifts from God anyway. They are on loan to us. They are His children first. It is a partnership we have with our Father in Heaven that we are able to provide physical bodies for His children. We have the responsibility to raise them in righteousness, and do all we can to help them in this mortal existence. But they are still ultimately His. He will continue to be the provider of all blessings throughout the eternities.
* Gratitude is so very important. I have been pretty good at counting my blessing throughout this journey... but I have had my moments when I was just plain grumpy - and felt sorry for myself. I am committed to focus on my blessings each and every day.
I am grateful for all those who care. I am thankful for visits, for phone calls, for the cards and gifts received. You have no idea how much it helps. It helps to talk. It helps to feel love from others. It helps to know I have blessed friends whose strength can lift me when mine seems to wain.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Missing my kids
Over the weekend Gin and I went to several events.... we went to Oktoberfest in Tempe, the Pumpkin Festival in Queen Creek and then ran errands. Every where we went we saw baby girls...pregnant women.... and honestly - it was torturous. The pain doesn't stop. The thought that I should still be pregnant - or that we should have a baby girl comes to my mind all the time! I wish this wasn't the case, but it is. I remember when Ben first died, and for the first couple of years after, I was drawn to young men that were about his age.... I expect this will now happen for both Benjamin and Jade.... seeing kids their age and missing them.
I had lunch with a dear, sweet lady (LaRee) who lost a baby at two weeks of age. It has been several years now since that happened in her life. She still got tears in her eyes when she shared some of the thoughts she had. It was nice talking to someone who understands..... I have to admit I don't know why I expect to get over this sooner than I obviously am. I struggle.... But, this has been the case with all the moms or dads I have met that have buried babies...or children for that matter. It's just not easy. There is no other way to put it.
I had a sweet experience with Samuel on Sunday night. I was missing Benjamin and Jade something fierce. I was so sad about Jade's death. I had cried many times over the course of the weekend. Anyway, it was time to put Samuel to bed. I took him in his room, sat on the rocker and told him that I was feeling sad. I said that I was missing Benjamin and Jade. At that point he said Jade. I asked him if he remembers her... and Ben... but of course he can't talk. Then I told him that I love him so very much.... and that I need to cuddle him if that was okay. Usually he resists being rocked because he knows it means bed time (and he doesn't want to go to bed). This time however, he kissed me all over my face several times, and then put his head on my chest and let me rock him to sleep. I kept telling him how much I love him, and how grateful I am to have him. He seemed to know of my pain, and that I needed to be able to hold him and feel of his love.
Samuel is more attached to me than ever...but still not as cuddly as he was at that moment. Usually he is on the move! I was grateful for that time. I tell him frequently that he is so important to me... and that I love him so very, very much. I believe he knows this. He is a gift from God - even more so at this time. It's like he is trying to comfort me in his own way. Then another blessing occurred. Amber and Trey showed up to visit. They came at 7:00 and stayed for 3 1/2 hours. This was an amazing gift. We talked, we reminisced, we laughed, I cried. They were such a blessed gift - more than they realize. Joseph joined us - and honestly, I felt such joy for the first time in quite a while. It was not brought about by anything you can buy -- but by truly savoring the time spent with family, and the love shared amongst us. I am grateful to have my children and husband who are here for me always.... during the good times, and the hard times.
I had lunch with a dear, sweet lady (LaRee) who lost a baby at two weeks of age. It has been several years now since that happened in her life. She still got tears in her eyes when she shared some of the thoughts she had. It was nice talking to someone who understands..... I have to admit I don't know why I expect to get over this sooner than I obviously am. I struggle.... But, this has been the case with all the moms or dads I have met that have buried babies...or children for that matter. It's just not easy. There is no other way to put it.
I had a sweet experience with Samuel on Sunday night. I was missing Benjamin and Jade something fierce. I was so sad about Jade's death. I had cried many times over the course of the weekend. Anyway, it was time to put Samuel to bed. I took him in his room, sat on the rocker and told him that I was feeling sad. I said that I was missing Benjamin and Jade. At that point he said Jade. I asked him if he remembers her... and Ben... but of course he can't talk. Then I told him that I love him so very much.... and that I need to cuddle him if that was okay. Usually he resists being rocked because he knows it means bed time (and he doesn't want to go to bed). This time however, he kissed me all over my face several times, and then put his head on my chest and let me rock him to sleep. I kept telling him how much I love him, and how grateful I am to have him. He seemed to know of my pain, and that I needed to be able to hold him and feel of his love.
Samuel is more attached to me than ever...but still not as cuddly as he was at that moment. Usually he is on the move! I was grateful for that time. I tell him frequently that he is so important to me... and that I love him so very, very much. I believe he knows this. He is a gift from God - even more so at this time. It's like he is trying to comfort me in his own way. Then another blessing occurred. Amber and Trey showed up to visit. They came at 7:00 and stayed for 3 1/2 hours. This was an amazing gift. We talked, we reminisced, we laughed, I cried. They were such a blessed gift - more than they realize. Joseph joined us - and honestly, I felt such joy for the first time in quite a while. It was not brought about by anything you can buy -- but by truly savoring the time spent with family, and the love shared amongst us. I am grateful to have my children and husband who are here for me always.... during the good times, and the hard times.
Monday, October 6, 2008
Forgiveness - not always so easy to do.
Forgiveness should be an easy thing to do at any time.... but you know - it's not always as easy as you want it to be. At least for me this has been the case. I have had several events that have brought me to a place that I knew I couldn't stay in. I was bitter, angry and resentful. The first major traumatic event like that happened while I lived in Australia. A certain woman basically threatened the life of my baby (a long story that doesn't need to be shared).... but the crux of it was that I held on to the resentment and animosity for years. She was, after all, a fellow Christian... a fellow church member. What I learned from it was that the only person it really hurt was me. She went on with her life.... I was the one being thwarted from really progressing. I was the one holding the grudge. I thought that through this time of awakening (to this life concept) that I had learned my lesson. I tried to pretty much live and let live. I learned however that I really hadn't mastered the art of forgiving.
You see.... my son, Benjamin was seriously molested by a babysitter when he was 7 years old (by a 15 year old girl) - and it changed the dynamics and outcome of our family's life experience in a catastrophic way. I didn't know what had happened to him - I only knew that his behavior changed drastically.... and I couldn't figure out why. I didn'tfind out what happened until he was 17 1/2 years old. There is much more to this story but it doesn't need to be shared at this time. Suffice it to say that I honestly hated this girl.... for all she did to my family -- for all she stole from us. Benjamin never liked himself from that point on. All of his self defeating behavior stemmed from this one event.... all the things he did to sabotage himself afterwards convinced him that his opinion of himself was accurate. This time though I had some experience to draw from... I knew that if I held these awful feelings inside of my soul it would only hurt me. I could not progress nor could I be of use to my family if I let this defeat me....Anger and hate are crippling things to harbor within your soul. This predicament took time to digest. I had to figure out how to forgive her. She not only hurt me, she hurt my children. This made it even harder. The only thing I could do was start to pray about it - to pray for her. After several months I was able to feel sorry for her. I wondered what had happened to her that would bring her to a place that she would even do this. It took longer for me to let it go. Now I fear only for her spiritual progress.... she has made no steps to apologize (make restitution)to my children for what she did - she has not made steps to truly repent. Ben is now gone - but she doesn't know that. But, I rarely think about her.... I honestly feel she changed the course of our family's lives - but there is nothing we can do about it. I feel sorry for her. I hold no hate in my heart for her. I know that the Savior loves her too - and will forgive her if she repents. The thing is -- this whole process took less time than the first -- but still took too long. Amazing since I am in need of the Saviors atonement -- and I know it.... and yet I still have a hard time forgiving when the offense is so huge!
This time around (Jades' death) it has been difficult too. You would think that I had learned that the big things just need to be put into God's hands. I am afraid that the natural man is truly a formidable opponent. My spiritual self is trying so hard to keep an eternal perspective.... the natural man still feels anger and resentment, confusion and at times despair. It's not a fun place to be. I have, however, gotten to a place where I feel I am able to forgive the doctors who took part in Jade's care. When talking to Amber and Trey last night we found out that there were two other doctors who came in and they were talking about whether or not to turn up the ventilator. One said, no - don't do it -- she is doing okay. The other insisted, and turned it up. Of course we know what the outcome was. This was the first time her lung developed a leak. Of course, after that they stabilized her, she was doing great - and they still kept turning it up -- too fast -- and it ended up killing her. This I have to say is so hard to deal with.... I keep thinking I am doing okay -- but then I struggle. I don't hate them...(I did for a few days that first week after the funeral). Unlike the girl who molested my son, I don't feel sorry for them. I don't think they are victims like the girl who molested my son probably was (by whom I don't know - but usually those who molest have been molested themselves). I do feel this was careless treatment (of Jade) - but not necessarily intentional. So, I feel that I am not festering ill will or anything like that. I don't know how to explain it. It's just that I know I need to forgive them for their carelessness. I think I have... and then I get more information -- or think about it some more - and I have anger again. Thus - the natural man and spiritual man battle it out again. That is the frustrating part of this whole journey.
I am trying to let this go.... put it in God's hands. For I know that I need all the forgiveness I can get - for I am so imperfect myself. Sin is sin in God's eyes.... I keep thinking, "But I have tried so hard to do the right thing all my life, and I haven't done the kinds of things that we have had done to us." However, it matters not. I still need God's love, help and forgiveness. I am imperfect. I can not put sin or the need for the atonement on a scale: this is more grievous, this is not so bad etc. My cleansing process is only going to occur as I forgive those who trespass against me and my family.... whether it was intentional or not. I must let the Lord be the one to make it all right in the long run. I am frustrated by my inability to keep with my once simple faith. Too many things have hurt on such a scale that to try and verbalize it would be impossible. The pain has been intense. It is those feelings and the pain felt that make it harder to forgive.
So, I am looking at myself. For I need the atonement. I need forgiveness. I know the Lord expects this from me (to forgive others).... I can't help but wonder how many people I have hurt unintentionally. Sometimes I have done things I wished I hadn't. Sometimes I may not even be aware that I have said something that hurt another. I would want their forgiveness too. So, with all this being said, I am working on my relationship with the Savior. I am trying to be more submissive. I am hopeful that I can overcome my inability to instantly forgive. I heard a talk on the weekend about a woman whose husband was killed in a head on collision by a young man who was late for work and made a fatal error in trying to speed up the journey by passing cars. At any rate, this wife recieved a request to meet with the mother of the young man. She had forgotten that a mother was also grieving.... They became friends and shared in the sorrow of the situation. I have not had any of the parties involved ever even talk to me since the events occured.... so my situation is not the same. However, I can forgive and replace anger with sorrow, love and compassion. I can look at these people as fellow children of God.... learning, making mistakes and they are all just as important in God's eyes as I am. If I choose to hold anger, animosity or any other negative feeling - it ultimately only hurts me.
You see.... my son, Benjamin was seriously molested by a babysitter when he was 7 years old (by a 15 year old girl) - and it changed the dynamics and outcome of our family's life experience in a catastrophic way. I didn't know what had happened to him - I only knew that his behavior changed drastically.... and I couldn't figure out why. I didn'tfind out what happened until he was 17 1/2 years old. There is much more to this story but it doesn't need to be shared at this time. Suffice it to say that I honestly hated this girl.... for all she did to my family -- for all she stole from us. Benjamin never liked himself from that point on. All of his self defeating behavior stemmed from this one event.... all the things he did to sabotage himself afterwards convinced him that his opinion of himself was accurate. This time though I had some experience to draw from... I knew that if I held these awful feelings inside of my soul it would only hurt me. I could not progress nor could I be of use to my family if I let this defeat me....Anger and hate are crippling things to harbor within your soul. This predicament took time to digest. I had to figure out how to forgive her. She not only hurt me, she hurt my children. This made it even harder. The only thing I could do was start to pray about it - to pray for her. After several months I was able to feel sorry for her. I wondered what had happened to her that would bring her to a place that she would even do this. It took longer for me to let it go. Now I fear only for her spiritual progress.... she has made no steps to apologize (make restitution)to my children for what she did - she has not made steps to truly repent. Ben is now gone - but she doesn't know that. But, I rarely think about her.... I honestly feel she changed the course of our family's lives - but there is nothing we can do about it. I feel sorry for her. I hold no hate in my heart for her. I know that the Savior loves her too - and will forgive her if she repents. The thing is -- this whole process took less time than the first -- but still took too long. Amazing since I am in need of the Saviors atonement -- and I know it.... and yet I still have a hard time forgiving when the offense is so huge!
This time around (Jades' death) it has been difficult too. You would think that I had learned that the big things just need to be put into God's hands. I am afraid that the natural man is truly a formidable opponent. My spiritual self is trying so hard to keep an eternal perspective.... the natural man still feels anger and resentment, confusion and at times despair. It's not a fun place to be. I have, however, gotten to a place where I feel I am able to forgive the doctors who took part in Jade's care. When talking to Amber and Trey last night we found out that there were two other doctors who came in and they were talking about whether or not to turn up the ventilator. One said, no - don't do it -- she is doing okay. The other insisted, and turned it up. Of course we know what the outcome was. This was the first time her lung developed a leak. Of course, after that they stabilized her, she was doing great - and they still kept turning it up -- too fast -- and it ended up killing her. This I have to say is so hard to deal with.... I keep thinking I am doing okay -- but then I struggle. I don't hate them...(I did for a few days that first week after the funeral). Unlike the girl who molested my son, I don't feel sorry for them. I don't think they are victims like the girl who molested my son probably was (by whom I don't know - but usually those who molest have been molested themselves). I do feel this was careless treatment (of Jade) - but not necessarily intentional. So, I feel that I am not festering ill will or anything like that. I don't know how to explain it. It's just that I know I need to forgive them for their carelessness. I think I have... and then I get more information -- or think about it some more - and I have anger again. Thus - the natural man and spiritual man battle it out again. That is the frustrating part of this whole journey.
I am trying to let this go.... put it in God's hands. For I know that I need all the forgiveness I can get - for I am so imperfect myself. Sin is sin in God's eyes.... I keep thinking, "But I have tried so hard to do the right thing all my life, and I haven't done the kinds of things that we have had done to us." However, it matters not. I still need God's love, help and forgiveness. I am imperfect. I can not put sin or the need for the atonement on a scale: this is more grievous, this is not so bad etc. My cleansing process is only going to occur as I forgive those who trespass against me and my family.... whether it was intentional or not. I must let the Lord be the one to make it all right in the long run. I am frustrated by my inability to keep with my once simple faith. Too many things have hurt on such a scale that to try and verbalize it would be impossible. The pain has been intense. It is those feelings and the pain felt that make it harder to forgive.
So, I am looking at myself. For I need the atonement. I need forgiveness. I know the Lord expects this from me (to forgive others).... I can't help but wonder how many people I have hurt unintentionally. Sometimes I have done things I wished I hadn't. Sometimes I may not even be aware that I have said something that hurt another. I would want their forgiveness too. So, with all this being said, I am working on my relationship with the Savior. I am trying to be more submissive. I am hopeful that I can overcome my inability to instantly forgive. I heard a talk on the weekend about a woman whose husband was killed in a head on collision by a young man who was late for work and made a fatal error in trying to speed up the journey by passing cars. At any rate, this wife recieved a request to meet with the mother of the young man. She had forgotten that a mother was also grieving.... They became friends and shared in the sorrow of the situation. I have not had any of the parties involved ever even talk to me since the events occured.... so my situation is not the same. However, I can forgive and replace anger with sorrow, love and compassion. I can look at these people as fellow children of God.... learning, making mistakes and they are all just as important in God's eyes as I am. If I choose to hold anger, animosity or any other negative feeling - it ultimately only hurts me.
Monday, September 29, 2008
Tender Mercies
Tender mercies are blessings that we may just overlook - particularly if we are going through something really hard. They are abundant in our lives. I remember a time when we were trying to help our teenage son, Benjamin. He was so rebellious at the time. The only thing that kept me going was a gratitude journal. I wrote in it faithfully for months. I forced myself to look for the blessings - or tender mercies - that I had been given.
I honestly know that as I have since gone through the pain of losing him, and now losing Jade as well, that the only thing that has kept me from completely giving up is counting my blessings... and trying to see how these experiences can benefit me and my family.
Some of my greatest blessings are:
* A husband who is loving, kind and loyal. He is my best friend. He has stood by me no matter what. I am grateful to have him share this life journey with me.
* Our children are a source of great joy to us. We are so pleased to see them progress in their testimonies of the gospel. They are truly unique. They have all taught us important life lessons.... and how to be better people. We are so grateful to be their parents. We love them more than words can say.
* I am grateful for our Lord and Savior. I am grateful for the gospel of Jesus Christ. I am grateful for my dear, loving Heavenly Father who is so patient with me!
There are so many things to be grateful for. I have many, many more than these. But the point of it all is - we have blessings. All of us do. I am convinced that we all have trials... though some have far greater burdens to bear than others. But I know that looking at our blessings can certainly help us endure the hardships, and find joy along the way.
Gin read a book this summer about living in the moment - instead of letting our egos get in the way. We all have stories that we tell ourselves... about our past, whether we are victim etc. The only way to really have joy is to let the past go (so it doesn't determine how we feel about things now) and to absolutely engage in the present.
So, if life seems to be tough, count your blessings. Look for the tender mercies that you surely have.
I honestly know that as I have since gone through the pain of losing him, and now losing Jade as well, that the only thing that has kept me from completely giving up is counting my blessings... and trying to see how these experiences can benefit me and my family.
Some of my greatest blessings are:
* A husband who is loving, kind and loyal. He is my best friend. He has stood by me no matter what. I am grateful to have him share this life journey with me.
* Our children are a source of great joy to us. We are so pleased to see them progress in their testimonies of the gospel. They are truly unique. They have all taught us important life lessons.... and how to be better people. We are so grateful to be their parents. We love them more than words can say.
* I am grateful for our Lord and Savior. I am grateful for the gospel of Jesus Christ. I am grateful for my dear, loving Heavenly Father who is so patient with me!
There are so many things to be grateful for. I have many, many more than these. But the point of it all is - we have blessings. All of us do. I am convinced that we all have trials... though some have far greater burdens to bear than others. But I know that looking at our blessings can certainly help us endure the hardships, and find joy along the way.
Gin read a book this summer about living in the moment - instead of letting our egos get in the way. We all have stories that we tell ourselves... about our past, whether we are victim etc. The only way to really have joy is to let the past go (so it doesn't determine how we feel about things now) and to absolutely engage in the present.
So, if life seems to be tough, count your blessings. Look for the tender mercies that you surely have.
Friday, September 26, 2008
Jade
Here are a few of the pictures we have of us with our daughter, Jade. Some of them the color is off a little.... particularly of her in her little casket. She actually wasn't that 'red'. The bruising you see on her cheeks is from the tape they put on her to keep the tubes in place.
I am so grateful for the opportunity I have to be this precious girl's mother. She was so perfect that she only needed to live 11 1/2 hours. She then returned home.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
My New Blog
I have been writing on my caring bridge website for the last several months. I never really understood how to do this sort of thing (much to my daughter, Amber's chagrin). I have had so many people tell me that they love to read my blogs, and to keep on writing. With this in mind, I have created this site....
I have so much history on the caring bridge site.... and hope that if you feel confused at all about anything I may refer to with regards to Jade you will go to that site and read it.
my caring bridge website link is here.
I chose the name Food for Thought because honestly.... all I am doing is sharing my thoughts - and hope that someone may get something out of them besides myself. I am on a quest constantly to know the mind of the Lord. I want so much to do His will... to be an instrument in His hands. I fail sometimes, and Heaven knows I get confused about what He wants from me. However, I am willing to honestly share the ups and downs I feel as I go on this quest... and hope that it serves some higher purpose in the end.
I have so much history on the caring bridge site.... and hope that if you feel confused at all about anything I may refer to with regards to Jade you will go to that site and read it.
my caring bridge website link is here.
I chose the name Food for Thought because honestly.... all I am doing is sharing my thoughts - and hope that someone may get something out of them besides myself. I am on a quest constantly to know the mind of the Lord. I want so much to do His will... to be an instrument in His hands. I fail sometimes, and Heaven knows I get confused about what He wants from me. However, I am willing to honestly share the ups and downs I feel as I go on this quest... and hope that it serves some higher purpose in the end.
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